I don’t like change. Change is not good. Especially change that is not initiated by me.

People say change brings a breath of fresh air. But not for me. I like status quo.

Like how u have changed. When u walked one step away from me, I have runned three miles away from u.

That is how much I don’t like it. U better have gone as an entity than continuing existing without the same meaning.

A day for a day.

Last night I have done something that I wouldn’t think of.
Not in a million years.
But the power is too strong for me to handle. And I know I won’t be satisfied. Not until I get what I want.
It’s not love or affection that drove me to it. It’s lust and obsession.
I know it won’t last forever. I just care about the fact that I enjoy it now.
Yes I know if I get hurt, it’s not because of you, but because of me.
I take my chances.
I’ve made my decision and swallowed my pride and I won’t regret it.

Welcome back to my life, sayang! You’ve gone quite a while. What a nice surprise. Wonder what’s in your store for me this time..

I made the stupidest mistake two days ago, talking about what I know could never ever be mentioned in this thing I’m in. Stupid, stupid. I don’t wanna talk about it with with anyone, cos any of them would probably say, I told you so.

Now I have to live with the consequences. I cannot take back what happened. Oh my God, I can’t believe I let myself brought up that topic. Very stupid. Whatever shit he thinks about me now is definitely for me to blame. And whatever thing he’s doing to handle what he thinks happened because of that conversation is also for me to blame.

I just hate myself so much right now. It will never be the same anymore. No more fun like it used to be. If only, if only. But nothing’s gonna change. What’s done is done. I’m just gonna disappear for a while. Detoxify myself.

Do u know what’s actually harder for me than deciding which job is best for me when i have two job offers? It’s deciding what to do with my love life right now. I’m doomed. Real doomed.

God, please help me. I don’t want to hurt anyone.

Although I know I’m already hurt in the process.

From Anggun’s Breathing:

“‘Cause I’m breathing
Far away from you
And every second feels like thousands more without you
I’m breathing
For this love to live
Believe that one day life will take me there beside you”

I’m not sure if it’s love yet, but I’m starting to need you day after day.

Missing you, baby boy..